Nightmares

Whenever I'm stressed and I repress it during the day, it comes back to bite me when I sleep... in the form of nightmares. Ever since high school, stress comes to me in the form of bad dreams. So not surprisingly, ever since I registered for the CFA I've been getting nightmares every night. My friend says it's because I don't find ways to release it during the day. Well for me it's not about finding ways, but finding time. I simply just don't want to allocate time for stress relief, because I feel like it'd be a waste.

So for now I'll put up with my nightmares. Yeah... we'll see how long that lasts.

What smart people do: hold lots of information in short-term memory

Smart people have very active brains. That is, they're able to hold much more information in their short-term memory than non-smart people (however, that's not to say they have very good long-term memory... shockingly I've noticed that a lot of them don't).

I.e. today I started with the number 3 and kept taking the exponent (kept multiplying by 3), all in my head, until I just couldn't keep track anymore. A smart person would be able to go a lot higher, perhaps even going into 7 digits, which is my short-term goal.

You can't be good at everything

One of my problems is that I hate to do things that I've realized I suck at. Perhaps the most abhorred activity I can think of in regards to this mentality is skating. I don't think there is anything I suck at more in life than skating, which I'm completely hopeless in. It's not that I haven't actively tried to get better in it. I've gone to the rink probably three times in my life, and surprisingly each time was more disastrous than the previous.

So this leads me to my other dilemma. Whenever I try to "like" something, I feel like I have to be good at it, or understand what it takes to be good at it. But isn't there some life rule that states you can't be good at everything? When I try to like something, I sometimes have to tell myself Yes, it's possible to be good at everything. Otherwise I don't really want to try. Yeah... I know it's bad.

Commitment Reminders and FWYDWYD syndrome

I've learned that whenever you commit to something difficult that involves a great deal of sacrifice, like quitting your job to found an internet startup, you need to constantly remind yourself why you chose your path. This is because, almost always, distractions come by and you lose track of your original motives, and these motives were what drove you to do what you did in the first place, and these motives will always be the strongest.

What I've learned is that the syndrome of forgetting why you're doing what you're doing (FWYDWYD) is all too common, and almost always it creeps up on you without you knowing. You don't just wake up one day and say to yourself "wow, I've forgotten why I'm doing this," FWYDWYD is a lot more dangerous than this. The symptoms are always indirect. You start losing energy, you start doubting more consistently, it becomes harder to pull yourself up in the morning, you feel stressed some days and you can't even explain it. These are symptoms of FWYDWYD and the only way to prevent and squelch them is to constantly remind yourself why you do what you do. As an entrepreneur, I've found the following useful ways to do this:

1) Reliving those days when I started my commitment. Includes reading emails I sent back then, reading articles I had read back then when I was first inspired, getting back in touch with people I was in touch with back then.

2) Writing and communicating the original motives to people. I've learned that whenever I put something into words for me to hear and see, the ideas behind those words liven up and take on new meaning internally.

3) Interact with others who currently have the same motive as you did back then. When I was in China for the Spring Festival, I had the chance to talk with a product developer at a Chinese internet startup. The energy he had and the forcefulness with which he articulated his vision reminded me of how I was like back then, and brought back a lot of fire.

I think that for anyone committing to something great, the fire is always greatest when just starting. And to go back to those days is essential fuel to ensure that the fire doesn't burn out.

Agape Reunion

If there was one thing that defined my experience in college, it was being in the Christian ministry Agape. I'll admit that when I left my was heart a little bitter, and when you associate memories with some bitterness, they tend to become shallow or at least appear that way. So usually I don't think much of my college life because it seemed to have gone by in a breeze.

Last night, miraculously, I was able to hang out with three people from Agape I was probably the closest to, and people whom I thought I would never see again when I left (although I've been hanging out with Jon the past couple of months, heh). We reminisced a lot, dug up some old laughs, and recounted some embarrassing stories. I don't know if it's maybe bitterness clearing away or being able to see old friends again, but I realized there was a lot more to my experience at Agape then I give credit for. We all really did go through a lot, and as the memories came back they became a lot more vivid. Like that time we tried to burn the chest hair off of one of the bro's by using cologne + matches. Or that time my pastor came to talk to me one on one because he felt that one of my smallgroup members was gay. Or that time we left the rice cooker out uncleaned for a week and grew a whole multi-colored civilization out of it. Or that time one of our staff member's kids came out of our apartment bathroom crying because it was so dirty.

I can't believe I was almost ready to discount those years and pretend as if they never happened. Although a lot did happen between now and that day I left, most notably my trip to Europe and my leave from my job to start up an internet business, ultimately what can never happen is me forgetting those fond times at Agape that were undeniably crazy and life changing.

What smart people do: thinking over new information

Smart people think a lot, or at least a great deal more than average people, about what's communicated to them, including what they read, what they see, and what the hear. When reading, hearing, and watching, they're constantly thinking if what they're witnessing is valid. They think about how the information can be used practically. They themselves are able to have a logically valid reaction to the information, or find holes and flaws in that information.

P.S. I'm not trying to make the claim that I'm actually smart (in fact, I think I'm very mediocre at best, or maybe a smart wannabe), or even define what being smart really is. This is just a casual series of observations I've made of people whom I personally believe are highly intelligent, including successful entrepeneurs and highly motivated field experts/researchers. Basically people who set high goals for themselves and have managed to achieve them with their brains.

River Town, Being an Outsider and Why I love to Travel

Four weeks ago on my plane ride to China, I finished Peter Hessler's River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze, a book bought for me by a mentor. The book is Peter's narrative as an American Peace Corps volunteer teaching in Fuling, a remote town in China's Szechuan province. It actually reminded me a lot of my friends Rishi & Paulette who are currently teaching in Japan. Being the first American to live there for so long, he experiences I would say a unique reaction from the Chinese living there, but most importantly he is also able to provide an outsider's perspective on Chinese culture. What happens when you're an outsider? You become more aware, more sensitive to what people accept as day-to-day.

When asked about my childhood, I just say I grew up in China but I lived in America. This means that my childhood experiences are Chinese while my the experiences of my youth are American. I think sometimes this creates a chasm because I've absorbed one culture as a child and absorbed a much different one later on throughout maturity. I believe that childhood memories are more dear to the heart while your adolescent memories determine more the way you live and how your life turns out. Thus when I think of China I think of fondness, of family, and of the past. When I think of America I think of life, career, and future. But moving on, reading this book shocked me because I feel like I identify with the author, who provides an outsider's perspective. Yet, on the flip side, I remember reading a Chinese narrative of life in America and I identify with that too. I don't know if others who've lived a similar life go through this as well, but I feel like I'm always an outsider who is constantly more or less observing a lifestyle rather than living it. I think this is why I'm in love with traveling. Traveling allows me to be myself and shows me that it's okay to be an outsider, because travelers will always be one. This is also why the only people I will ever truly get along with are travelers themselves because they know what it's like, and thus appreciate, to be on the outside.

Sometimes every now and then I do wish I could have been born and had stayed in one place, so I could know what it's like to truly fit in with a normal person's lifestyle. But I know that for the most part I don't think I would have had it any other way. I enjoy the open-mindedness that comes from being dual-cultured and I appreciate how it has made me adaptive to change.

Anyhoo, I'll post up some of my favorite excerpts from the book later. I think you'll enjoy them :)

Scrambled Eggs

I think I've got it figured it out. The trick to making good scrambled eggs is the quality of the eggs, temperature of the oil, and how long you leave it in the skillet. I think what makes eggs good isn't the flavor or what you add in it but the texture, which is controlled by the egg quality, the temperature, and the cooking time.

By the way, props to JJ and Rishi for their insightful comments on Overachieving... perhaps one day I'll try to write a more focused piece on this topic but for now you'll just have to settle for my scatterbrain arguments :p

Overachieving

Some thoughts of mine on Alexandra Robbin's recent article Confessions of a (Recovering) Overachiever featured in Forbes...

It may sound obvious, but it's very easy to denounce the over-achieving life when you yourself have gone through it. But to further explain... Robbins talks about the pressure to succeed. Most would agree that this pressure comes mainly from external factors like peer pressure. You want to succeed so you can look good to others, have something to feel good about. But it's cheap to cry out against the negatives of overachievement when you already have those trophies up to show people. It's so easy to live the easy, non-over-achieving life when you already have those safeguards in the arsenal that you can quickly pull out at anytime to show people that you've had great success in life, and thus make yourself feel better.

I also believe that it's easy to appreciate the easy life when you've gone through the pressured life. It's the old argument against "ignorance is bliss." Enlightened people are the only ones who know how to appreciate the so-called bliss that the ignorant ones are living. So I think one can make the alternative argument that if you've been living the easy way all your life, then you should give stress a try and push yourself to the limits, see how far you can go. I don't think you can fully enjoy doing what you love until you've experienced what it's like to do what you hate.

I know what Robbins is trying to do, and I appreciate her current life mission. I just feel that the other side to her argument should not be overlooked.

Relentless

Every year around nov/dec, millions of red crabs migrate to the beach where they hook up, breed, release their eggs into the ocean. Their migration can last up to 18 days. It's long, perilous, and spectacular. What impresses me the most, however, about their journey is the relentlessness. Along the way they get gobbled up by birds, squashed by cars, but they stay consistent on their path; i.e. after running across a road frogger-ing its way across, one of them will rest for a bit, collect its breath, and move on. Sure you can downplay all this by pointing at their frontal-loblessness, but even in the wild you'll see animals place their own survival above all; mothers will ditch their young (or even eat them) just to live on. But these guys will risk their own life & limb to extend their race, stopping at nothing.

psychological eating

It's all psychological!

1 - I like to watch food network when I eat... definitely enjoy my pb&j and/or cold spaghetti w/ undercooked meatballs a lot more when I'm watching bobby flay make a red-peppered halibut with artichoke.

2. Ever since I read a short biography in the Wash. Post about a lettuce farmer who devoted his whole life to picking spinach, beet greens, romaines, & endives, I started liking salad.

3 - The only reason why I like mussels is because in middle school we read a book called Homecoming, a story about three pre-teen kids who had to fend for themselves after their mum ditches them. In one scene, when they're on the brink of starvation, they found mussels by the bay and ate them. It saved their lives. Whenever I eat mussels, I flash back to when I read that book.

4 - The only reason why I like steak is because I keep remembering that scene in the Matrix where Cypher (demn traitor...) is enjoying that steak and saying "I know that this steak is tender... juicy... and delicious..."

5 - I like potatoes because they're a root, pulled from the ground, makes ya feel earthy when you eat them :D

burnout, persistence, character, and failure

by no means do i call myself an entrepeneur... and no chance of me making that call until success. but here's what i think about successful entrepreneurs... (disclaimer: take my words with a quarter-grain of salt)

if comedians are professional jokesters and
court lawyers are professional blabbermouths and
our president is a professional idiot then

an entrepreneur is a professional persister. why?
because all an entrepreneur has is a vision and time creates friction for visions. in other words... a vision fades over time. visions can be re-strengthened through reasoning and inspiration, while at the same time its demise can be sped up by failures, embarassments, and empty-handedness (otherwise known as burnout). but persistence is the fuel for reasoning & inspiration. persistence extends a vision, visions don't create persistence. when persistence doesn't keep up with burnout, the vision dies.

i think a lot of people make the mistake thinking that... well, as long as you really want it that badly, you won't give up. this might work in a short timeframe... but in the long haul there will always be a time when you don't want something as badly anymore. some distraction will pop up... you meet a girl (or guy) and boom your previous dreams go to dust and you run off into your world of romance only to find out a month later she turns lesbian and there you sit on your ass feeling like an ass wishing for your old vision back, but you've dashed it. okay maybe too extreme of an example... but hey shit happens, and what do you do during those times when you don't want something as bad anymore. what keeps bringing back the hunger? persistence.

where does persistence come from? character... and character is built from responses to experiences. sooo... what type of response to what kind of experiences. here's my shortlist of what i got so far...
- picking yourself up from deep, utter failures
- confronting & overcoming fears
- fight or flight situations where you fight

a lot of times i've noticed, ppl who are tough were forced into these situations in childhood. i always think of a friend of mine whose father was sent to five years in prison when we were kids. in that kind of situation, you either fight or flight. he fought through it, spent those five years comforting and taking care of his distraught mother, and i saw instantly in that period of time the transformation of a boy, my age, to a man. the guy is tough as nails now. people like that persist. and if he had only but a vision, he'd make a great entrepreneur.